It is said that losing a parent is like losing your past. Losing a spouse is like losing your present and losing a child is like losing your future.

I can stand up here and talk about loss. A loss that is so painful I have had moments I didn’t know if I would survive.

But I don’t want to talk about loss. I want to talk about gifts.

The birth of each of my children was a gift. I instantly fell madly in love with them. They gave me the gift of the intense self sacrificing love a parent feels for their children.

Jarid was an extremely loving and caring child with a tender soul and a mischievous smile. Throughout his life he gave me many gifts. Some gifts like watching him in awe as he taught himself to play the piano, then the guitar, and then the drums were inspiring. Some gifts like this beautiful necklace he gave me I will wear and cherish forever.

As I have been going through what has been the worst emotional pain I think a human can go through and survive, I have been grasping for any purpose or hope that I can find in this horrific experience. 

Jarid and I were always having philosophical conversations. We liked to discuss the uncomfortable things that most people pretend don’t exist. We also talked about life and happiness and what this is all about. We connected in many ways and I cherish that he felt safe to come to me with his real authentic self. That is another gift I will hold onto.

Now that he is gone, I want to tell you about the gifts he has left me with. 

When I heard that my son was dead, my greatest fear in life was actualized. I had been in a constant state of anxiety the past few years worrying that this moment might happen. Anyone who loves an addict knows this fear. And when I got the call the anxiety I had felt all these years was worthy of the anguish I now feel. 

As the days have gone by and my grief comes and goes like waves in an angry ocean, I have realized one of the gifts Jarid has left me with. 

Nothing stops us from living a full life more than fear. I now have experienced the worst thing this world can throw at me. 

I will no longer be afraid. Afraid to live, afraid to risk, afraid to speak my truth, afraid to love, or afraid to follow my dreams. Jarid gave me the gift of courage. 

I have several friends that I watched go through losing children the past couple of years. While I felt incredibly sad for their loss, I couldn’t comprehend the pain they were going through. I now feel like my heart has been opened. My level of empathy has increased substantially because I now know what the pain of losing Jarid feels like. I can now be there for others who experience this loss and help them just like my friends who lost their children were there immediately reaching out to me. This is another gift Jarid gave to me.

Jarid would be laughing at me and telling me I sound like a Disney Movie at this point so keeping with my authenticity I want to leave you with, as Mark Manson would say, a few hard truths.

First I want to say I hate how people are turned into Saints when they die. Jarid was an amazingly talented, charismatic, sensitive, and loving human. He was also someone that struggled with demons, addiction, and made some bad decisions in his life. 

And you know what? That is okay. Because he was human and we are all both good and bad. We all fight our demons and we all make bad choices in our life. I didn’t love him any less because he was flawed. I don’t love any of you any less because you are flawed. It’s okay to be real and show your true self. We are all struggling. 

Second, I want to tell you that you have been lied to. You have been made to believe that life is supposed to be easy and comfortable, and you should be happy. 

Well the hard truth is that life is hard and messy, and uncomfortable. Life will have moments of pain and suffering like today and it will have amazing moments of pure joy. Most of life will be spent in a middle zone where you are left struggling to find fulfillment and purpose.

And how do you find this fulfillment you might ask?

Well first I can tell you where you won’t find it. You can’t smoke it, snort it, swallow it, or shoot up with it. You can’t buy it at a store. It isn’t found in some exotic location on the other side of the world. It isn’t in a romantic partner, it isn’t even found in your children, and it certainly isn’t in your bank account. Fulfillment is an inside job. It can only be found in you. It isn’t dependent on your outside circumstances and you are the only one in control of it.

This leads me to a heartfelt plea that I wish I would have been able to convey to those who loved Jarid. 

STOP trying to make life easy for the people you love. You are hurting them. Fulfillment and purpose are found by solving problems. When we take away the ability for someone to solve their own problems, they create much worse ones for themselves.

In his book the Subltle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, Mark Manson says, “Life is essentially an endless series of problems—the solution to one problem is merely the creation of the next. Don’t hope for a life without problems. Hope for a life full of good problems.”

Pain and suffering are the true catalysts of change for humans. We all have a chance today to evaluate our lives and make some changes. To use this pain for good. Please let Jarid give you this one last gift.